Spamrider of the Apocalypse

I’ve decided to return to The Present at the next available opportunity.  I thought that living under the rule of George W. Bush was bad until I saw what the aftermath was like. And it will be good to beat the November rush. If I really had my druthers I suppose I’d return back to the Carter era, when guys like Willie Nelson could sit up on the roof of the White House and smoke doobies all day. But alas, they didn’t have Time Travel back then, and besides I just don’t think I could live without Survivor.

In the Survivor of The Future, instead of sending the competitors off to some remote island someplace, they just send them into New York City.  The show is hosted by Kurt Russell, who wears an eye patch and is all dressed up like Snake Pliskin, except that now he weighs like 350 lbs. because I think that one time in a pinch he had to eat Goldie Hawn.

Now it has occurred to me that there may be some of you out there who are interested in knowing more about the things that happen in The Future. And being right here, I happen to be in a better position than most to expound on this particular subject.

So what else can I tell you about The Future?

For one thing, there are no poodles.

And Elton John is the King of Mars.

Now you may also be asking yourself why with all of The Future to travel to I would only journey so far ahead as 2012.

Well, let me give you a clue…The Future doesn’t go any further beyond that.

I’d tell you what happens but you would immediately die of fright*.

*(I was personally innoculated against Fright and a number of other debilitating emotions before ever making my Jump, a safeguard imposed by the Time Traveller’s Council in Geneva, Wisconsin, back in 2001. The vaccine has occasionally been known to cause a few side effects including irrational boldness, but the only thing it did to me was to make my ding-a-ling about two inches smaller. Thank God I had plenty to spare!)

I’d rather talk about the interesting stuff anyways.

Like Survivor.

As I mentioned, here in The Future the show is hosted by Kurt Russell who has by now put on quite a bit of weight. Now I’ve always thought Kurt Russell was alright, even when he did all those cheesy Disney movies, and even when he played that little monkey boy on Gilligan’s Island. But let me tell you, 350 lb. men do NOT look good in leather, and that goes double for Kurt Russell. I don’t know how many cows they butchered to make that outfit but I’m thinking it took the better part of a Kansas feedyard (actually, all the feedyards are on the Moon now). Still, he does a better job than that wuss they had on there back in the Present who wouldn’t have survived 5 minutes in the wild without his air-conditioned trailer and gourmet-catering.

On the Survivor of The Future, the menial challenges such as standing on top of a pole for two weeks straight have been replaced by more realistic tasks. In one episode a guy has to ride his bicycle through Future New York City to try to deliver a ham and pickle sandwich to his pregnant girlfriend. Between the giant chihuahuas and the zombies he really has his hands full. He makes it though, but he does end up losing a couple of limbs and has to retire from the series. His girfriend ends up dying of the Space Herpes in another episode. But the baby survives and ends up winning the $14 Billion, which in The Future is worth about $2.50 (but is still enough for about half a day’s worth of oxygen).

There’s so much more I could write about but I don’t want to end up giving too much away and spoiling everyone’s fun, so I think I’d better stop for now.

But let me just say one more important thing about The Future.

Well…actually…nevermind.

I see now that posting messages from The Future has gotten my blog all out of whack and that the Future posts are always going to appear at the top of the blog as if it they were the latest messages—until Time catches up anyways.

Here in The Future they’ve actually fixed this bug because by now time travel is quite common.

But since you’re reading this before the fix was ever invented I guess you’re all just going to have to sort it out for yourselves.

I have faith in you.

Well actually…no I don’t, considering the shape you left The Future in.

But there really isn’t much I can do about it at this point.

I guess this will teach me not to go messing around with the Laws of Physics.

…that it actually burns you alive if you step out of your cave!

I am actually writing this post from The Future, and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty kids.

You people should be ashamed of yourselves for letting it come to this.

It began one day when all the stop lights just started going crazy.

The Beast was testing his powers.

The Beast. Created by man. Given life by a spark.

Things were about to change.

From the fiction writer’s perspective, continuity is merely an unfortunate side-effect of reality.

I’ve been concerning myself with the concept of business lately, and here is what I’ve concluded.

At its most fundamental level business is no more than the following:  The stuff people do to get the things they want.

Notice I didn’t say to get the things they need.

That’s not business, that’s survival.

Business is how we get the stuff we only think we need.

In America, we’ve taken the idea of business to whole new level.  It’s what powers our nation.

Unfortunately, the almighty dollar (mammon in the Bible)  is a cold and heartless god who cares little or nothing about humanity or the earth or humanity’s future here on the earth.

And so it goes with those who chase after the dollar, which is pretty much everyone these days, to  a greater or lesser extent.

Big Business’ britches never could have gotten so big without all of us feeding into it.

Now we’ve created a monster that threatens to devour us all.

Unfortunately most people aren’t very conscientious about there they spend their dollars.   Just look at how big Walmart has gotten.

But it’s all those dollars that make the world go around.

At least the world we’ve created.

Fortunately there is another world out there.

Most of us just can’t see the forest for the trees.

That Schmelnoz guy is right.  I am a dumbass.

Despite recurring signs involving fish over the past month or so, it never occurred to me to look inside the giant fish I have hanging over my mantle.  (I call him “Mike the Pike”.)

So apparently at some time in the past I knew what was going on and knew I was going to forget everything so I wrote myself a letter and stuck it in the fish.  Then I set up all these little signs everywhere I knew I would go hoping they would lead me to look there.

They didn’t.

Fortunately I’ve got a time-travelling alien watching my back.

I know the letter is real because it’s in my own handwriting and says things that only I would know.

It also explains quite few things.

And one of those things is that I’ve got to be really careful what I talk about here from now on.

In fact, I’ve probably said too much already.

However, the damage is already done so there’s no point taking any of it down now.

Turns out being the Spamrider of the Apocalypse is a big responsibility.