“It is a mathematical fact that the casting of this pebble from my hand alters the centre of gravity of the universe.”
-Thomas Carlyle
While technically true, what he fails to mention is that at the same time he’s tossing off his little pebbles, there are untold and mindboggling numbers of other events taking place in the universe over which he has absolutely no control, any of which could counteract any effect his pebble tossing might have had.
Of course, as a self-centered human being I didn’t actually see that for myself but was fortunate enough to have my friend Schmelnoz around to explain it to me.
Schmelnoz explains to me a lot about how obscenely arrogant us humans are.
And the pisser of it is he’s always right.
posted by Spamrider at 11:00 am
In The Future it is illegal to pee your pants.
Apparently after they made it illegal to speak out or otherwise demonstrate against The Establishment, people started peeing their pants as a form of protest.
So they made that illegal too.
In The Future the prisons are full of babies and old people.
posted by Spamrider at 2:36 pm
The Future is one scary place.
You shouldn’t even need me to tell you that. Just take a good look around at everything that is going on and carry it all out to its logical conclusion.
Pretty frightening, huh?
Enough to make most people piss their pants.*
*99+% in fact. The testing was conducted by the Orphopeons, an alien race which considers humans as basically the equivalent of lab rats. They abducted 45,000 human specimens for the experiment, exposed them to The Future, then examined their breeches for signs of urinary discharge.
It turned out that The Future had made over 99 in 100 people totally piss their pants.
That’s some pretty scary shit.
They didn’t even measure how many lost control of their bowels.
posted by Spamrider at 2:36 pm
“The world is a comedy to those who think, a tragedy to those who feel.”
-Horace Walpole
I guess that makes my life a tragic comedy.
posted by Spamrider at 6:25 am
1.) Originality
2.) Perfection
3.) Infinity
1.) Originality
I have a friend who says it makes him crazy when people refer to things as being “very original”, or “the most original”. And he’s right. He is crazy.
2.) Perfection
Even though people might occasionally refer to one specimen as being “more perfect” than another, what they are really saying is that it is closer to perfect.
They say nobody’s perfect. And they’re right. Because every time somebody is, they kill them.
3.) Infinity
I once had a high school alegbra teacher who tried to tell me that the subset of all whole integers was greater than the subset of all even integers.
This fact may seem readily apparent to the uncomprehending mind, but it shows a complete lack of understanding as to the nature of infinity.
Infinity is different than the way we normally think about things.
You can take away from infinity again and again and yet it is never diminished.
You can divide infinity almost infinitely*, and yet each part remains an infinity within itself.
So dividing it in two by taking out every other number has absolutely no reducing effect whatsoever upon the whole. You’re still dealing with an infinity. In short, you’re still going to be counting forever.
*The idea of something being “almost infinite” is of course as asinine as my algebra teacher. But I use it here meaning any number short of infinity itself. Because that would be infinity divided by infinity. And that’s not good. Not good at all.
TODAY’S LESSON HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER “J“, AND THE NUMBER 42.
posted by Spamrider at 4:51 pm
