Spamrider of the Apocalypse

I haven’t mentioned this yet because I wanted to wait and see what would happen, but back in June when Obama swatted that fly I thought we were all done for.

Because that’s the way it happened in the Timeline I remember.

Unbeknownst to humanity, the United Planetary Commision had sent an envoy to address the new President of the most powerful nation on earth.  They basically wanted to ask if we’d like to join them and share in their free energy and environmental rehabilitation technologies.

Unfortunately, the ambassador they sent was a Venutian (not from our planet Venus, but from the planet Venus in the Delta Sector), and Venutians happen to resemble what on earth we call flies.

So you can see what happened.

The galaxy was divided on whether they should just wipe us off the map, with half of them arguing that it was an innocent mistake and the other half arguing that any species that still whimsically murders it’s fellow planetary inhabitants doesn’t deserve to live anyway.

In the end it was decided just to leave us to our own devices, and the planet quickly went to shit just like it would have if they had never interceeded.  That part I’m pretty sure is still going to happen.  At least that’s what your scientists are saying.

There were also some other rogue aliens not affiliated with the Federation who came back in later to make things interesting, but that’s another story.

Anyway, the damage had been done and the Universe fell into an unprecedented and destructive civil war, all over Obama killing what he thought was just a fly.

But unbeknownst to them, the Russians (not the Russians of Earth, but the Russians of Tiberius) had constructed a Dr. Strangelove-style Doomsday Machine, designed to begin tearing the Universe to shreds by distorting the Space-Time Continuum through certain patented manipulations in the 17th dimension.  It had something to do with banjo strings and dissonance.  And it was set to go off in the event of a Univeral Civil War.

Their plan was to preserve the Univeral peace, but the war started before they were able to tell anybody.  And by the time they did it was already too late.  Apparently they weren’t going to say anything at that point, but they decided it didn’t matter anyway so they might as well ‘fess up.

Everyone blamed it on Obama.  The event was referred to as “The Blunder Felt ‘Round the Universe”.

And then the world ended.

At least I assume it did.

I didn’t stick around to find out.

So anyway, none of that has happened here.

Unfortunately that’s little consolation to me, because I’m still stuck here on this planet which is by all appearances soon to become the same hellhole I remember from The Future, or something similar.

I don’t know if there’s a Planetary Federation or not in this Universe.  And if there is, I don’t know that they’d be able or even willing to help us out of our mess.

The Future is always an open book.  Though if you read it carefully you should be able to already see some of the pages filling in.

I’ve been reading up on this Timeline’s version of Charlton Heston.

Amazing how things can be so similar but yet so different.

Moses, indeed.

I was just looking up “Soylent Green” to see if it had been invented yet, and I found out they actually made a movie out of it starring Charlton Heston.

If that doesn’t beat all.

No matter how much I think I may have gotten used to this Time-Space Rift thing, invariably something like this will come along and throw me for a loop.

In the world I remember, Charlton Heston starred in a movie about viscious apes who had taken over the planet in the future.

It was called “Planet of the Republicans”.

He also played Rameses in “The Ten Commandments”.

He was a big laser-gun nut, and he actually died from an accidental self-inflicted laser wound.  (He apparently got so old and senile that he forgot to set the safety.)

They buried him with that laser-gun, because nobody wanted to pry it out of his cold, dead hands.

In the Future I remember meat is a rare commodity.

Most of what you get is Meat Substitute, which is artificial meat grown in mass quantities inside a giant cow-shaped mold.  It varies in quality, and sometimes it actually isn’t bad.

But it ain’t meat.

I’m not saying the Future I remember is necessarily the same as the Future we are currently heading for.  But just in case it is, you would do well to remember one thing:

Soylent Green is made out of people.